confused and in pain

I'm with you now. At first it was just a game, something I didn't really want or need but accepted anyways because I felt obligated to.



but lately, I felt like maybe I do care now. you make me so happy; you're so sweet to me and you take care of me, and you always put me first... the way he never would, ever could.



I always thought that I loved the feeling of being with you, just that i wasn't in love with you.
then over the time I spent with you, I thought you were starting to win me over, that I was starting to care about you, to like you.



then today, I was hit again by the past. stronger than before. like hitting a brick wall. got lost in vancouver, ended up coincidentally at the place of a memory between me and him. it was the time we had broken up, but he was trying to pull me back again. at that time, I still had hope in a future with him. now, he's broken me beyond repair. passing by this time, remembering that hope I once held, that reminiscent memory brought me pain. Overwhelming, aching pain where my heart drops in my stomach and I can't breathe.. droplets slowly trailing down my face from my rapidly blinking eyes.



now I finally understand. its not that I don't like you or am in denial,.. its that I don't have the ability to love anymore. Everytime, involuntarily now, but instinctually, no matter who comes near me, I have an emotional withdrawal. That's why, him and I, never worked out. After the eighth time, I couldn't emotionally give anymore.. I've become emotionally dead. I don't feel anymore;; it's not that I don't want to.. I just can't.

I knew from the beginning, that it's not fair for you, to you, that I've hidden my past from you. He and I, we are forever connected. It's not something time can change, or erase. Whether or not there is love in that connection anymore, that bond is something that will strangle us both forever.

I'm sorry. that's all I can say. I don't even have the courage to tell you this in person. What you can give me, I can never return. Maybe that's why I object to you giving me things, being too good. I already owe you more that I deserve, more than I can ever return.

I'm sorry. being permanently defective is not an excuse, I know. but you are still my good friend.. no matter what.