confused and in pain

I'm with you now. At first it was just a game, something I didn't really want or need but accepted anyways because I felt obligated to.



but lately, I felt like maybe I do care now. you make me so happy; you're so sweet to me and you take care of me, and you always put me first... the way he never would, ever could.



I always thought that I loved the feeling of being with you, just that i wasn't in love with you.
then over the time I spent with you, I thought you were starting to win me over, that I was starting to care about you, to like you.



then today, I was hit again by the past. stronger than before. like hitting a brick wall. got lost in vancouver, ended up coincidentally at the place of a memory between me and him. it was the time we had broken up, but he was trying to pull me back again. at that time, I still had hope in a future with him. now, he's broken me beyond repair. passing by this time, remembering that hope I once held, that reminiscent memory brought me pain. Overwhelming, aching pain where my heart drops in my stomach and I can't breathe.. droplets slowly trailing down my face from my rapidly blinking eyes.



now I finally understand. its not that I don't like you or am in denial,.. its that I don't have the ability to love anymore. Everytime, involuntarily now, but instinctually, no matter who comes near me, I have an emotional withdrawal. That's why, him and I, never worked out. After the eighth time, I couldn't emotionally give anymore.. I've become emotionally dead. I don't feel anymore;; it's not that I don't want to.. I just can't.

I knew from the beginning, that it's not fair for you, to you, that I've hidden my past from you. He and I, we are forever connected. It's not something time can change, or erase. Whether or not there is love in that connection anymore, that bond is something that will strangle us both forever.

I'm sorry. that's all I can say. I don't even have the courage to tell you this in person. What you can give me, I can never return. Maybe that's why I object to you giving me things, being too good. I already owe you more that I deserve, more than I can ever return.

I'm sorry. being permanently defective is not an excuse, I know. but you are still my good friend.. no matter what.

When they don't like you anymore.

When someone who was once your friend doesn't like you anymore, it feels awful. The closer you were, the more it hurts. Things will happen and you have that first reaction to call that person, but then a wave of depression drops you right off a cliff as you remember that the two of you aren't on talking terms anymore.

It hurts even more when you know that this person is talking behind your back, criticizing every move you make regardless of whether or not it was stupid. They try to turn mutual friends against you, and rant about everything you do.

My instinctive reaction is to lash back, bite back before I'm hurt deeper, attack in self-defense. But I have to control that. No matter what he thinks of me anymore, to me he's still a friend. I'm learning, slowly but surely, not to hate those who hate you. I won't talk about you, won't judge biasedly the choices you make, but just be there in case you ever need me. I won't give some bullshit about taking the higher road, because right now I'm not. I just don't want to do something I will regret, hurting you. I know I've already done so, lashing out at you when you helped me in the past, over and over again. I want to right the wrongs I've made and so I won't hate you, hurt you, backstab you. Even when you hate me, you're helping me to grow.

I don't want to make our friends choose. They were your friends first. You've given up so much more than I ever have for them. You seem to think I'm trying to take them away, but that's not what I want. I don't see why we can't still have the same friends but if this is going to keep bothering you, and make you walk away whenever I'm around, then I'll leave. It's only fair. I never tried to steal them away, they liked me for who I am and they wanted me around; you make it seem like I invite myself along with all those hateful glares you think I can't see.

It only makes me feel worse when we still all hang out together, and you make me feel like I'm not wanted. It doesn't matter that the rest of them still want me around, it only takes one person to bring me down. I guess that shows I'm weak, but now I'm mature enough to admit it. Though you never say a single word, I can see through your movements, your glares and your attitude that you wish I was gone.

I can't ever hate you, because of what you've done for me. Though you never realized it, you were my crutch. One of them anyway. During that time I was broken, you fixed me by being there. For making me whole again, when j left me in pieces and destroyed for the millionth time. You guys gave me the strength I never thought I had, to finally leave and become independent again. j was like a drug, always there, a bad habit that I couldn't rip off. I thought I would die without him, everytime he left me, and coming and going as he pleased. You helped me realize that I dont need j, that he needed me. Through all of you, I learned to self-love again. You picked me up and helped me stand after all that dysfunctionality. I guess the best kind of friend is the kind that you depend on so much, without them realizing they have so much impact on you. That is, until they decide to never talk to you again. But nevertheless, you saved me when I didn't think it would ever be possible to heal again. I can never hate you because you made put me back together again.

I will try. One more time, to make things alright. And if it doesn't work, I'll leave.


wynn.

I want to join the police!

oh fuck me-- i just made the world's longest post and accidentally deleted it!

gahhh... so unbelievably FRUSTRATED, i just spent 2 hours of procrastination time to do this and now i want to cry :'[

hopefully i can remember all i wrote and recap it now.

basically, i feel no love for the popo. They are out to get me, trying to catch me in my every move. I admit, i may be a little paranoid of them popos, but i swear they just want to pull me over all the time. what they have yet to understand, is that illegal does not mean unsafe!!

these two words are NOT. and i repeat,, ARE NOT synonymous nor interchangeable. however, i guess driving at 180 in the city is a little bit close to pushing the limit of word safety.

:D

what? I can't help it. driving fast is amazingly destressing. However, if you are those stupid people who cannot drive for shit..DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

SO anyway. back to the topic. I always thought the popo had the ugliest cars ever, fitting for their equally unappealing jobs. However, recent knowledge has caused my jealousy to flood to extreme mode. I've always known that in Hong Kong all government vehicles are courtesy of Mercedes-Benz. However, they were from a private line that was bordering hideous, and that negated my jealousy. However, i have just been given this information:

• British police not only drive a Mitsubishi EVO X..but also a Lotus Exige ...wtf. just wtf man, wtf?
• UK police drive a Lexus GS --not the best but definitely not bad either
• Italian police drive a Lamborghini Gallardo (not only base model but the LP560-4 version!)
• German police drive a Porsche 911 and a Mercedes CLS

ok. so i'm sorry to the poor readers for whom this piece of information means nothing whatsoever. But to have cars like these, and to have sound justification to drive at mindblowing speeds is one of my lifelong dreams. So at this point my jealousy has exploded through the roof. Yes, i understand that these cars have frightfully disgusting, bright, clashing, neony (is that even a word?) decals, but what does that matter when they are blowing by with their 720 hp? a bright blur is still a blur :)

-- at this point i realize i am psychologically ill. probably, i am some form of a rare, mutant girl. I can understandable sympathize with my mom when she cries at night for a normal daughter. I may look like a girl but i have been completely filled with male mentality..lmao. ok but i am straight. JUST IN CASE you may wonder. hot men are another great love of mine. see? almost manlike;; instead of girls and cars i love men and cars. cutting it pretty close ehh? --

at this point, i am seriously considering moving to britain first thing tomorrow morning and joining the police academy or whatever it is you have to enroll in over there to join the popo. anything to drive that car!

omfg. its nearly 4am again. AGAIN. my sleeping schedule is so completely beyond screwed. good luck to me waking up in time for school at 730. ohhh fuck me.

♥ wynnrast

** can't sleep. so i went to find some pictures for those who need help visualizing these cars in their full glory :)
Shut up. I know i sound retarded lol.. maybe if i eventually get some sleep, i'll get better.

Why do they have to destoy my porsche 911 that way? :( you are supposed to turn
this car sexydamnhot fire engine red, so it looks like the sex when it blurs right past you.

The lotus exige. yes, ok, so the neonyellow popo color scheme is unappealing, i don't deny that. But when you're inside driving like all hell is breaking loose, you won't see the outside, now will you?



My lambo gallardo;; yes this is the car that akon tried to ruin by rapping about, along with other terrible singers-- but they fail because this car is just godly.

Also found this, I don't what country's popos drive this ferrari scaglietti, -- but oh damn srsly fuck me! i would do anything to give that a spin :) -- and the color and popologo is bearable, compared the rest.

insomnia

And to what exactly do I owe this bout of insomnia? It is now 5:24am, and I can't sleep. Now, I'll get sleepy around 9am in the morniing, sleep through the entire day and wake up at night like the idiot I am. again.

So it could because of the million of cans of 7up i've been downing since I woke up. Or, it could just very merely be the fact that I would choose to wake up at..oh, only 8:30 pm.

Clearly, somebody needs to fix her sleeping schedule. quickly.