When they don't like you anymore.

When someone who was once your friend doesn't like you anymore, it feels awful. The closer you were, the more it hurts. Things will happen and you have that first reaction to call that person, but then a wave of depression drops you right off a cliff as you remember that the two of you aren't on talking terms anymore.

It hurts even more when you know that this person is talking behind your back, criticizing every move you make regardless of whether or not it was stupid. They try to turn mutual friends against you, and rant about everything you do.

My instinctive reaction is to lash back, bite back before I'm hurt deeper, attack in self-defense. But I have to control that. No matter what he thinks of me anymore, to me he's still a friend. I'm learning, slowly but surely, not to hate those who hate you. I won't talk about you, won't judge biasedly the choices you make, but just be there in case you ever need me. I won't give some bullshit about taking the higher road, because right now I'm not. I just don't want to do something I will regret, hurting you. I know I've already done so, lashing out at you when you helped me in the past, over and over again. I want to right the wrongs I've made and so I won't hate you, hurt you, backstab you. Even when you hate me, you're helping me to grow.

I don't want to make our friends choose. They were your friends first. You've given up so much more than I ever have for them. You seem to think I'm trying to take them away, but that's not what I want. I don't see why we can't still have the same friends but if this is going to keep bothering you, and make you walk away whenever I'm around, then I'll leave. It's only fair. I never tried to steal them away, they liked me for who I am and they wanted me around; you make it seem like I invite myself along with all those hateful glares you think I can't see.

It only makes me feel worse when we still all hang out together, and you make me feel like I'm not wanted. It doesn't matter that the rest of them still want me around, it only takes one person to bring me down. I guess that shows I'm weak, but now I'm mature enough to admit it. Though you never say a single word, I can see through your movements, your glares and your attitude that you wish I was gone.

I can't ever hate you, because of what you've done for me. Though you never realized it, you were my crutch. One of them anyway. During that time I was broken, you fixed me by being there. For making me whole again, when j left me in pieces and destroyed for the millionth time. You guys gave me the strength I never thought I had, to finally leave and become independent again. j was like a drug, always there, a bad habit that I couldn't rip off. I thought I would die without him, everytime he left me, and coming and going as he pleased. You helped me realize that I dont need j, that he needed me. Through all of you, I learned to self-love again. You picked me up and helped me stand after all that dysfunctionality. I guess the best kind of friend is the kind that you depend on so much, without them realizing they have so much impact on you. That is, until they decide to never talk to you again. But nevertheless, you saved me when I didn't think it would ever be possible to heal again. I can never hate you because you made put me back together again.

I will try. One more time, to make things alright. And if it doesn't work, I'll leave.


wynn.

insomnia

And to what exactly do I owe this bout of insomnia? It is now 5:24am, and I can't sleep. Now, I'll get sleepy around 9am in the morniing, sleep through the entire day and wake up at night like the idiot I am. again.

So it could because of the million of cans of 7up i've been downing since I woke up. Or, it could just very merely be the fact that I would choose to wake up at..oh, only 8:30 pm.

Clearly, somebody needs to fix her sleeping schedule. quickly.